Adult Temper Tantrums

Do you know why toddlers have temper tantrums? It's fundamentally because they are unable to speak properly and find it hard to tell you what it is they want or need. Most adults know what their toddler wants or needs and are able to provide it for them before the toddler realises they want or need it themselves. However, as the toddler starts to grow and become more aware of the world around them, their wants and needs become different to what the adult assumes what their wants and needs are. 

So when the adult doesn't provide the toddler with the toddler's own set of wants and needs, the toddler who may or may not be able to speak properly, can't verbalise the name of the want or need. Toddlers, are also not emotionally mature enough to understand their thoughts and feelings exactly, they are only able to rely on their instincts for 'survival'. When their wants or needs are not met, their fight system (anger) kicks in and their survival instinct tells them something isn't quite right and so their body gets ready to fight, and throws itself into a temper tantrum. They don't actually know why they're angry or even name it as that.

Adults too can experience a temper tantrum. Although adults can speak properly, most are unable to verbalise their thoughts and feelings accurately, this is primarily because they don't quite know or possibly understand exactly what their wants or needs actually are. This may be due to suppressed feelings based on an incident that happened long ago, or because they never had the opportunity to talk about their thoughts and feelings when they were younger and never actually learned what their own wants and needs are. An adult maybe emotionally mature, but if they're not emotionally intelligent, and their anger has been triggered, a 'tantrum' manifests, causing the adult to behave in an unhealthy or inappropriate manner. 

The diagram above displays how someone can increase their emotional intelligence starting with 'Perceiving Emotions'; becoming aware, conscious, realising what you're feeling. Once perception has been established, the adult will then begin to 'Understand Emotions'; comprehend, familiarise, and grasp the meaning of their emotions. With perception and understanding the adult is able to 'Use' their emotions to achieve their wants and needs. This is only successful if the adult 'Manages' their emotions in a positive and productive manner. It is then that 'Emotional Intelligence' is established. Having emotional intelligence, is having the comprehension of what an individual is thinking and feeling and being able to verbalise them. 

The key to helping an adult with temper tantrums, is to start with asking them to think about what their wants or needs are and how they or others could help to meet those wants and needs. 

The Anti-journal Journal

My husband John bought this for my birthday. 

For many years I'd kept a journal as part of my anger management. Keeping a log of any patterns or triggers for what may be the cause of any negative thoughts and feelings that I'd been having. It had been very helpful, and I truly advocate others to keep a journal too. However, for the past year or so, I've slacked a little on writing things down and as a consequence, negative thoughts and feelings have built up a little. I'd much prefer to paint rather than write, but I've also neglected my personal painting time too. 

I paint professionally and I'm also a designer/maker for my gift boutique. When a client gives me their brief for a gift or painting, I know exactly what the finish product will look like and how I'm going to start it. 

It should be easy for me to just create emotionally for my own well-being. Although, when I set out to be creative on a personal level, I often experience a creative paralysis. Some of you may be able to relate to this and know it as 'artist's/writer's block'. 

When I'm presented with a nice clean, unmarked, fresh canvas board or plain piece of paper I'd find myself sitting there, wondering what to paint or write. Then an uneasy feeling emerges from deep within, and my thoughts become, I can't 'mess up' the new canvas board, thus triggering creative paralysis. 

I tell myself, 'just do it, paint something, anything!' But a sense of fear overwhelms me and the feelings turn into negative thoughts of 'what if I make a mistake?' 

Eventually, I rationalise my thoughts as I know there are no mistakes when expressing ourselves creatively, and I make a mark on the canvas. Now it has a blemish, time to transform it into something beautiful. 

I love the first page, it says to throw a tea bag at it, then frame the consequences. 

The anti-journal John gave me, is truly a fantastic tool to have for anger management, creative paralysis, emotional well-being and just to sit and have a little freeing and expressing time with yourself. 

De-constructing Anger

Yoda, the master of anger management.

If we de-construct anger, usually you will find that just below it sits hurt and below that fear, this chart reflects the proximity or each of the feelings.

ANGER

HURT

FEAR

As adults we need to meet our own unmet needs and in order to do so, we need to discover what they are, this is usually when anger is its most useful. Our feelings of hurt, anger or fear will always let us know when we have needs not being met, either by ourselves or others.

For anger management courses and anger coaching please visit Restoring Lives 

Take ownership of your behaviour

Steps to managing behaviour, starts with the choices we make. It's easier to 'blame' others for the way we act and sometimes, our feelings (both good and bad) are triggered by the way someone else has treated or spoken to us. It's even sometimes easier to give up our control to others, for a 'peaceful' life. But ultimately, the way we behave in response to our thoughts and feelings, are OUR responsibility. 

Taking ownership of your own behaviour, gives you the power to own your thoughts and feelings, there by giving yourself control over the way you behave and in turn leads you to positive and healthy anger.

When you blame others for your actions, you are giving up the self-control to your thoughts and feelings. When this happens, your behaviour becomes out of control and not even the person you're blaming can help you get beck your self-control. No one is in control here, but you are still the one who must take responsibility for you behaviour. 

Giving others the power to manipulate and control you, makes you a victim. Sometimes this can happen without you consciously knowing it. The key to understanding when you are the victim and you're giving someone else the power over your thoughts and feelings, is to 'listen' to your thoughts and 'experience' your feelings. Are they telling you something isn't quite right here? Often, victims are the ones who potentially snap at a random stranger in the streets and 'do' some damage to them, hence, completely losing control over their actions. However, when they're arrested for the damage they've caused, only they, will be the one punished for it. Again, their behaviour here is their responsibility. 

I have simplified the steps to your behaviour below. However you behave, ultimately begins with the choices you make.